The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.Good Heavens, said the horrified teacher.What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.' 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.' 'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man. 'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them. Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It's Senator Obama. 'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked. 'Kittens' Little Mary Pat says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet.' 'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked. 'Democrats' says Little Mary Pat. The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens. The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason.. Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat. 'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.' 'Yes sir,' Mary Pat said, 'The are all REPUBLICAN kittens.' Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.' Little Mary Pat says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'