'ol #68

My nephew's football game here in town 10-30-10

My new halloween costume.

Turkey for halloween?

Boo!! scared you!

Cute pets ready for halloween.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. ' Nope,' said the old man. 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

This was only temporary.

I could not get up to my steps.

I sure do hope this fixes my problem.

One thing I had to fix at my house.

Great Orators of the Democrat Party:


"One man with courage makes a majority." - Andrew Jackson
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The buck stops here." - Harry S. Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." - John F. Kennedy


And, from today's genius Democrats...

"It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton
"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." - John Edwards
"I invented the Internet." - Al Gore
"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ass." - Joe Biden
" America is - is no longer, uh, what it - it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was - uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children." - Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states." - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
"Paying taxes is voluntary." - Sen. Harry Reid
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.

A few good halloween cartoons for you!

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my
time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let
me talk!'

A man was driving with his three young children one warm summer evening when a woman
in the convertible ahead of him stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As he was
reeling from the shock, he heard his 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Dad,
that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle
the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

cute costumes for dogs and halloween.

(CNSNews.com) – When Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) gave her inaugural address as speaker of the House in 2007, she vowed there would be “no new deficit spending.” Since that day, the national debt has increased by $5 trillion, according to the U.S. Treasury Department. “After years of historic deficits, this 110th Congress will commit itself to a higher standard: Pay as you go, no new deficit spending,” Pelosi said in her speech from the speaker’s podium. “Our new America will provide unlimited opportunity for future generations, not burden them with mountains of debt.” Pelosi has served as speaker in the 110th and 111th Congresses. At the close of business on Jan. 4, 2007, Pelosi’s first day as speaker, the national debt was $8,670,596,242,973.04 (8.67 trillion), according to the Bureau of the Public Debt, a division of the U.S. Treasury Department. At the close of business on Oct. 22, it stood at $13,667,983,325,978.31 (13.67 trillion), an increase of 4,997,387,083,005.27 (or approximately $5 trillion). Under the U.S. Constitution, the federal government cannot spend any money that has not been approved by congressional appropriations; and, by congressional precedent, appropriations bills originate in the House. "No money shall be drawn from the Treasury, but in Consequence of Appropriations made by Law," says Article 1, Section 9, Clause 7 of the Constitution.

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Do you think NOW would be a good time to retire?

A dedicated Teamsters union worker
was attending a convention in Las Vegas and
decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"
"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,'"she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man
stomped off down the street in search of a
more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached
a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100,
what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room,
and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and
according to union rules, she's next."

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail ,
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

Interesting construction.

VERY SAD NEWS!

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozen of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turn-overs. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

After a long night of making love ,the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed .He begins to worry.”Is this your husband ?“he nervously asks.”No , silly ,“she replies, snuggling up to him.”Your boyfriend , then?”he continues.”No , not at all“she says , nibbling away at his ear ..”Is it your dad or your brother ?“he inquires , hoping to be reassured ..”No , no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!” she answers. “Well , then who in the hell is he?"he demands.She whispers in his ear”That 's me before the surgery.”

Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why is bra singular and panties plural? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why do "tug" boats push their barges? Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

A woman was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner thought he would take advantage being she was a woman, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out. So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.Her roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
woman told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

Ain't he handsome? Thanks Brooke. From wayyyy up north.

A wife & her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The wife jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs. His wife finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?" His wife said,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

Hmmm interesting construction.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency,
notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America ?


Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful
man is usually another woman.


You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive
twice.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train
people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't
need it.

(Ynet)- Three Iranian soccer players are facing jail for kissing a woman fan in the Islamic state where physical contact between unrelated men and women is legally forbidden, an Iranian website reported on Monday. Under Iran’s Islamic Sharia law, imposed since the 1979 Islamic revolution, violators of the law can be sentenced to lashes, fines or imprisonment. “The arrest warrants have been issued for the three because of their un-Islamic behavior,” said the Rajanews website, quoting an unnamed source. It did not identify the three or the football team they played for. But heheh kissing boys is alright?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.


The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.

During an interview with New York Times White House correspondent Peter Baker (set to run 10-17-10 in the Sunday’s Times Magazine), President Barack Obama reflects on his first two years in office and offers predictions for the next two, possibly sharing governing power with congressional Republicans who are poised for major gains. Obama predicts his political rivals will either fall short of their midterm electoral goals, or feel over-burdened by the new responsibilities that come from achieving them. In reflecting on his time in office, the president laments that he looks too much like “the same old tax-and-spend Democrat,“ and realized that ”there’s no such thing as shovel-ready projects.” But the promise of these “shovel-ready” jobs was one of the Democrats’ main selling points in lobbying for the stimulus plan. In December 2008, the then-President-elect Obama pledged, “We’ve got shovel-ready projects all across the country that governors and mayors are pleading to fund. And the minute we can get those investments to the state level, jobs are going to be created.” Just one day later, the president-elect presented his ideas for a “bold agenda” of “shovel-ready projects,” promising the creation of 2.5 million new jobs when he took office. Didn’t quite happen that way did it Mr. President? Oh uhhhh November 2nd is coming!

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States . Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed."Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.(This is now what I said but someone else.But the story is great!)

Hang in there!

hmmm.

Our dear leader with his picture on the next paper currency.

Nebraska 1942.

TAKING FLOWERS TO THE SICK: “This practice is impermissible as it entails wasting money on non-useful purposes and imitating Allah’s adversaries in this custom.” “It is not permissible for a Muslim to build a cinema, or run it for himself or for another person, due to the forbidden kinds of amusement it provides. As shown today around the globe, it presents obscene scenes and images that provoke desires and promote lewdness and immorality. Furthermore, it helps women mix with men who are not Mahram (spouse or unmarriageable relatives).” “The mingling of boys and girls in studying is Haram (prohibited). The same applies to showering and swimming while naked (or semi naked) in a swimming pool, whether they are young or old, for the Fitnah (sedition) occurring due to this, and for seeing each others’ ‘Awrah’ (private parts of the body that must be covered in public), this is also considered a means to mischief and evil.” “It is not permissible for a Muslim to follow the funeral of a Kafir (disbeliever), for this is considered an act of loyalty to them which is Haram (prohibited). However, consoling them is acceptable.” “Relationships based on mutual affection, love and brotherhood between a Muslim and a Kafir are prohibited. It might render a Muslim as a Kafir. There is nothing wrong, however, if the kind of relationship developed between the Muslim and Kafir does not go beyond selling and buying or accepting the Kafir’s invitation to have lawful food with him or accepting a lawful present, provided that no harm is done to the Muslim’s faith.” www.alifta.net

Darn Obama he has been on vacation again!

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Calling an illegal alien an
'undocumented immigrant'
is like calling a drug dealer an
'unlicensed pharmacist'