An  Muslim enters a taxi cab in. Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to “turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio.” So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Musliim asks him: “What are you doing, man?” The driver answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.  So get out, stand on the curb and wait for a camel.”

Actual cakes made that you can eat. Awesome!

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

He took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told him.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' He asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' He asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, He said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my wife and me tonight.

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your wife be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

He said, 'That's okay. It's important for her to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

Half price

Oooooohmmmmmm

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Awesome video!!

That ain't right.

A man sees a nice-looking girl in a bar, so he goes up and starts small talk. Since she seems receptive, he asks her name. "Carmen," she replies. "That's a nice name," he says, warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answers. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" the woman asks. "Beervagina," he replies.

That is really gross.

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he's been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

The campaign to reelect the president (CREEP) has been chiding the Romney/Ryan Campaign because Mitt Romney will not release more than two years of tax returns, but the joke is on them. In an exclusive investigative report from Newsbusted Anchor Jodi Miller we learn that Romney released all of his tax returns weeks ago. The GOP nominee placed the returns inside President Obama’s college records where the mainstream media will never find (or even look for) them.

Yeeeeooouuuch

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

Now THAT is service!

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The end.

The new definition of liquidity: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.

Not renowned for openly discussing his religious beliefs, President Obama has taken the opportunity in an interview with the Washington National Cathedral magazine to declare that at the end of the day, 'God is in control.' Used to a skeptical public doubting the strength of his Christian faith, the president reaffirmed his belief in God just as the election campaign enters its most critical months. 'First and foremost, my Christian faith gives me a perspective and security that I don’t think I would have otherwise: that I am loved. That, at the end of the day, God is in control,' said Mr. Obama.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2191840/Obama-gets-really-religious-new-interview-election-little-months-away.html#ixzz24JxgcgXd

If a republican said this they would call him names.

I really don't think these billboards are real but they are interesting.