I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 

 My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.  

 I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 

 Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

 If all is not lost, where is it? 

 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 

 Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 

 I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.