Let Me In!

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my

loyal pet, Dexter the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman

behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that

no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that

I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that

I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes

coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it

works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one

or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,

(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled

with my story.) 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food

poisoned  me. 

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was

laughing so hard. 

Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked Evelyn.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement...!''

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit

jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the

rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal

lover, pulls over and gets out to see

what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is

the Easter Bunny, and he is  DEAD .

The driver feels so awful  that he begins to cry.

A beautiful woman driving down the highway

sees a man crying on the side of the road

and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man

what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,

"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car

and KILLED HIM."

The woman says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead  Easter Bunny,

bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The  Easter Bunny  jumps up, waves its paw at the

two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves

again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves, hops another ten feet,

turns and waves, and repeats this again and again

and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?

What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around

so that the man can read the label.

It says. "Hair Spray

restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."

And that was not so long ago either.